The Joy in Now

It’s a familiar ritual.  The same morning routine making sure I have the required documents, heading to the same hospital, the slightest of nerves present.  The MRI had already been done; I actually fell asleep while they were doing it this time.

I walked through the doors of the hospital, the sign above read Cancer Centre.  More than two years later it still surprises me to read that sign.  I still surprises me to think I have cancer.  My body walked in and was taking me to where I needed to go while I was caught up in a world reminding myself why I was going to the cancer centre.  So I was surprised when I realised I was at the clinic reception desk. I quickly gathered myself and signed in waiting to be called for my appointment.

This was an all to familiar appointment, they were about to tell me what Timmy (my brain tumour) was doing.  Is it keeping quiet?  Has it grown?  Has it spread?  Will I have more surgery? More chemo? More radiotherapy?  These are questions I have disciplined myself to refuse to contemplate.  Yes they are scary questions but contemplating them only robs me of the time I have right now.  Instead I wait and deal with what I have to deal with at the present time.  The result is actually of very little significance.  To often we get caught up in what might happen in the future and forget to live the present moment we have.  I have done it many times in the past but I get a lesson in living in the present every time I spend time with children.  The joy on a child’s face when playing with balloons or bubbles is indication of how well they live in the present moment.  It makes me wonder when it was that we forgot how to do that.

I have been making a special effort today to find the joy in every moment and experience every moment as fully as I can, just like a child.  I am trying to ensure I do not judge each moment on whether it is a good moment or a bad moment but find as much fun as I possibly can in every moment.  This makes the appointments more enjoyable and ensures that no matter what news I get, whether the cancer has or hasn’t spread, I have lived my life to the fullest.  I am trying to make sure I live as many days as possible with this attitude.  It really is quite a unique and amazing experience I have been given.

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